Day 11: Learning to break free

 Recently, I have moments were I think I have broken free from my eating disorder. I somewhat accept the way I am, the food I eat and everything else around me. 

Since my last post I have been eating foods I would of never even dreamed of like curry, chips and crisps. I have to learn to forgive my ‘slip-ups’ such as eating too much (even for the average person) and purging in order to break the chains of my disorder. But while everything seems like it’s going okay- it kind of isn’t at the same time.

Yes okay, I’ve eaten these foods- great start- but I still can’t forgive myself for doing so. I panic still whenever I don’t exercise or go for a walk, I panic when I eat these foods and it still results in purging-but thankfully not all the time. I just don’t know how to accept myself 100% because I’ll be really proud for my achievements, until I get dressed or take a bath. Then I just see what my body is becoming. Cellulite ridden and the F word. I don’t know how to appreciate my body, or how to tell if what I’m seeing is correct. I never wanted to be this way, and I’m not entirely sure why it happened, or when. 

I suppose everyone needs to break free. We need to break free from numerous things such as stigma to our own fears- everyone has chains around them: but I want to tell you this, learn to love yourself, accept your flaws, be proud of who you are (and the fact you were the winning sperm), but most importantly, your disorder does not define you as a person, it’s only a part of you which you should also love.

I know it’s hard to take the advice from someone who doesn’t even follow their own advice, but I’ll get there. Because how can you live a life that you can’t love? How can you love someone else without learning to love yourself first? I will get there. I will learn to be free and accept myself for who I am. 

Day 8: staying focused in a lost reality

 Let’s start off by laughing at me because I spent the whole of yesterday feeling sorry for myself- I over-exercised and strained a lot of my muscles and now every time I move I feel as though I need some oil putting on my joints. 

Anyway- the main point is that, how can you stay focused on any of your goals/aspirations/ missions if you are in a deluded, disorganised world? Society as a whole can be pretty unnatural or somewhat mismatched and it can really get into the way of what you’re trying to achieve. For example, we are so consumed by money that we aren’t willing to show a sense of humanity/human kindness unless we get paid for it. That’s just how society has built itself. So this ‘money issue’ can interfere with your life in many ways such as poverty and missing of opportunity, but it can get into the way of the future. Say you wanted to apply for a job at a big named company, and you get rejected because they lost profit in the stock market, and so had to close down some of their stores- that’s pretty unfair right? But we learn to accept it because well, that’s life. But what if I told you that if we built society differently in the first place, problems associated with money may not happen in the first place as it may not exist?  You see what I mean don’t you?  

This applies to me (mainly in the past few years) as I’m trying to control things such as managing my bipolar, psychosis and anorexia- but how can I learn to accept it when society doesn’t even accept it? I’m a part of society, therefore I should probably accept the true values of society- mental health may not be a value to ‘protect agaisnt’ in all societies as we are surrounded by stigma, ignorance and misunderstandings. How could I control my hallucinations and all that jazz when I’m isolated from those who would be willing to help- I can’t ‘soothe’ it without confiding in another to help me understand the real reality because in the real reality, they simply don’t want to know or don’t have the time- this again is how society has built itself and only now are we trying to raise awareness? Better late than never I suppose but it is still hard to fit in when you have a mental health issue. I don’t mean fitting in in terms of clothes, hobbies and interests, I mean fitting in in terms of being able to go to a shopping centre, watching a movie uninterrupted and being able to have any form of conversation with another of your own species (because talking to your cats doesn’t count apparently). 

It’s hard to focus in an unstable society as; schizophrenics are madmen (so stay away), bipolar people are self-doubting killers (so stop talking to them), psychopaths are narcissistic torturers who will kill any one of us (so cast them aside in an institution), people with eating disorders are just white girls looking for attention (so just mock them and they’ll soon start eating again, fuss over), psychotic people are psychopaths (so disregard and discard them). Because all of this is so uncommon, nobody gets depression unless they want attention. 

It’s sad really, 1 in 4 people had a mental illness, if it’s not you, it’s someone you know. These people who think they are ideal are probably suffering themselves, or those who mock others probably has a family member who’s suffering (maybe dementia, anxiety or depression) but because of society- they too have to pretend to be something they are not- ignorant. All in order to fit in to the norm. This probably stops them from reaching their goals too! 

Bipolar and Relationships

Having Bipolar doesn’t mean that you can’t have good relationships and good romantic relationships- although the statistics show that it can be difficult and many face their issues alone, that clearly means that you haven’t found anyone worthy.
I want to start off by saying that I know. I know how hard relationships can be to keep, but I also know how to make the most of them and how to keep those who truly are special. The hardest kind of relationship to keep for me was a friendship.

Ever since I was a small child when I started school right to the end when I left school, I never had that one friendship that would have lasted a lifetime that many people have- I never kept in contact, I always had fall outs and playground mishaps, and to be honest, although I know I have bipolar now- I still don’t know why I didn’t have any friends. I mean, I wasn’t a kid who was horrifically bullied, the only thing people tended to mention was my weight, but other than that- well, it’s safe to say they didn’t get a chance ( I was an angry child and I never agreed with bullies, so I bullied the bullies). Growing up in highschool was a different journey- somewhat enjoyable, mostly not- and I do understand why I lost so many friends. Other than the drug taking and alcohol consuming (which nobody really cared about- so that wasn’t the issue) I was kind of popular among my subculture- everyone knew who I was, and everyone seemed to ‘already know me’ when I had met them for the first time, I suppose it was kind of a dramatic change, but kind of nice at the same time.

I remember when I didn’t even think about mental health problems and people would ask what was wrong with me or make jokes about the mood swings I had- and as usual, I’d laugh along because I didn’t really understand what they were saying or how to take it. I had good friendships. I was bubbly, hyperactive and just a complete extrovert for about a year or two and then suddenly, everyone around me changed. I stopped taking drugs and I stopped drinking alcohol and although nobody in my friendship group did the same, they immediately stopped talking to me after I became sober- a bit strange perhaps?
To me, people just lost interest- I went back to thinking I was that weird kid with no friends and that everyone around me purely hated me. Which they kind of did. I had no idea about my behaviour, about my ‘black-outs’ or about people thinking I was pretending when I’d have panick/anxiety attacks. I was just so confused why all of a sudden everyone stopped talking to me and completely cast me out of their world. I went through a drastic change, I became an introvert, I never left the house, I hated people and I felt so alone and depressed and I didn’t know what to do. All sorts of events happened such as being ‘kicked’ out of my remaining parents house, relapsing with my eating disorder, experiences more and more progessing panick/anxiety attacks and even being scared to sleep alone in my own room. My hallucinations, paranoia and ‘delusions’ had been with me for life (which I later realised the extent of) and I knew that they were getting worse and in fact, not everyone gets them, these things I am experiencing are not okay. But the worst part? I had nobody.

When I met my current partner and moved in, it was only then that I realised the extent of my behaviour- he would utter things such as ‘you were fine 5 minutes ago, why are you so upset now, whats even happened?’, ‘what’s gotten you so stressed out, you haven’t got anything to stress about’. And we made a deal to track my behaviours to try and come to some agreement whether or not I should see a doctor. I told him about my hallucinations etc. and it was really thanks to him that I have made it as far as I am now (baring in mind he was preparing to leave me when he realised who I was). Another thing that was thanks to him was that, he gave me the courage to ask my previous friends what it was that I actually did that was so bad they had to abandon me (because that’s what it felt like) they just said things along the lines of, you’ve changed, we don’t know or we didn’t know how to put up with you. That’s when it came to me, maybe it was my drastic mood changes and personality changes that pushed everyone away without me realising. I’ve noticed that sometimes (not all the time) that because my mood changes a lot and I mean 3-7 times a day, I don’t actually realise when it’s happened, for example; I could be extremely happy one moment and love all these styles, foods and colours and the next hour or so, I could be really distressed, depressed and delusional and would hate the previous things I liked an hour before- I’d have no memory of that happy phase, no memory what-so-ever, I would of just thought I’d been in a foul mood all day.
Maybe I did do something to my previous friends which led to them ‘disowning’ me and just not realised, and probably never will. So as far as relationships go, it has only ever been when I was unaware of my disorder that it affected my friendships because the ones I kept through the knowledge of bipolar have been really understanding, and they are true and genuine enough to put aside my bad side and always think of me in a positive way (which is lovely) and maybe the others were just fake, and I think that’s my advice for the day, make sure the ones around you will be by your side through everything- even your disorder.

I know that I’m forever grateful for my partner being by my side for a good few years now and providing me with a roof over my head when I needed it- he’s been there for my psychotic side, my depressive side, my suicidal side, my kind and caring side, my aggressive side, my delusional side, my wild side and everything else that comes with it. I know he cares, else he would have been long gone- so don’t let statistics fool you, and please don’t try to hide your true self (my college years) because nothing good will come out of it, be yourself and you’ll never know who would want to take care of you and experience life with you. After all, what’s fun about ‘normal’ people when you can keep people on their toes as a form of excitement in a relationship as you never know what’s next.
Find true friends, find true romance and find the true bipolar you.

Satanism: The misunderstood (Part one)

Let’s talk Satanism. Anton Szandor LaVey wrote the Satanic Bible and I took it upon myself to give it a read. I mean, satanists get a lot of ‘stick’ don’t they? Some may call them murderers, insane and just plain evil- but is that really the case?

We all get the stereotypical image in our heads when we think of a satanist. Rebellious, punk, scarred and some what unusually looking and these images mainly come from american over dramatic talk shows or documentaries that take the concept and belief of satanism and make profound judgement of those who follow it. Ridiculous stories
about teenagers gone wild and making sacrifices such as killing their own families and mothers in the name of satan.
I just can’t help but think that those TV shows are just full of it- they clearly haven’t taken time out to actually read the Satanic Bible. It isn’t about telling kids to kill their families, it isn’t about black magic or summoning the devil to destroy the world or some other crazy event- It’s actually quite eye-opening, and I must admit- it’s definitely won me over. I suppose this post is maybe to educate those about what satanism is actually about, I mean, if the stories were true and people read this bible and go out on killing sprees- i’m pretty sure you would see one of these ‘sprees’ happening wherever you live (Satanism has a wide range of followers and it wouldn’t be uncommon to live near a bunch of satanists). What i’m trying to say is, don’t listen to the media, you’ve been told to do so all of your life so why are ‘satanist’ stories different? could you possibly believe that people like Marilyn Manson (who is a satanist) could actually ‘poison’ children’s minds? No. He doesn’t, no matter how much I love the guy, I don’t think he has powers of mind control or that he is a supreme being. Moral of the story: don’t believe everything someone tells you.

So let’s move on to the Satanic bible itself. The first thing I notice when starting to read the bible is the Preface itself.

“All the ”great works” on the subject of magic, are nothing more than sanctimonious fraud… Writer after writer, in the efforts to state the principles of ”white and black magic”, has succeeded instead in clouding the entire issue so badly that the would-be student of sorcery winds up stupidly pushing a planchette over a Ouija board, standing inside a pentagram waiting for a demon to present itself… attending seminars guaranteed to flatten his ego- while doing the same to his wallet- and in general making a blithering fool of himself in the eyes of those who know!”

My interpretation of this is that- people (like those on the TV shows) have always had the wrong idea about what Satanism is- some pay do it purely out of making a profit to fool those who will believe in them- and their sales. For those who believe that they could summon demons or believe that they could cast spells- when actually, yes, they are making a fool out of themselves. I think the belief in magic (in terms of satanism) might come from the fact that they stress importance of the individual in question- you are meant to view yourself as your own kind of ‘god’, later on in the bible, LaVey makes a very good point in saying that you create your own path in life- don’t wait around on a ‘supreme being’ to tell you what to do when they are just a concept designed by another human man. So in terms of saying that you are you’re own god, people may see that as powerful and somewhat magic and so the message spiralled out of control to say that you are you’re own magical being because god is powerful and ‘magic’ and so you could be too if satanists say so. But this is just a misconception- it basically means that you have to accept that you made your mistakes and so be prepared on the consequence rather than relying on some water to ‘cleanse you of your sin’- you either accept that you have done a bad deed to enable you to make sure you don’t do it again, or you could repeat it and receive a harsher punishment, but as long as you know that you did that- nobody else. The same goes with rewards, if you have achieved something- thank yourself, they were your own efforts not a supreme being that you’ll never meet (and never prove is real). In conclusion- Satanists believe more so in your own individual power (the power that you can chose your path and what you do in life) rather than so called ‘black magic’ as it doesn’t give a realistic and logical explanation or purpose. This could be emphasised by one of the Nine Satanic Statements that is found a few pages later. ” Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!”. 

”Anyone who thinks of Satan as evil should consider all the men, women, children, and animals who have died because it was ”God’s will”…. ” He is in God’s hands now, my son.” Such phrases have been a convenient way for religionists to condone or excuse the mercilessness of God”.

Have you ever thought about that? When someone you love whether it be a friend or a family member passes away before their time, is there any other explanation the church can give other than the fact they are with God now? I mean, I am not a religious person, however I do know a lot of religious people in practice and I have nothing again’st religion but I do know of people that have been way to young to pass, and i’m not satisfied with the fact that it was ‘god’s will’ or that ‘they are in a better place now’- the way I see it is, of course it’s an excuse- I mean, God is portrayed as this amazing individual who can do all kinds of amazing things, however, he can’t stop suffering? So that shows he really isn’t that great but people will come flooding to God’s defence. It kind of shows that we are alone, and we only really have ourselves- meaning that we are our own God, we create our failures, we create our successes, and sometimes we do suffer, we do have great losses- I don’t mean to sound cold hearted but, that’s life- don’t excuse the events of life and mistake them for ‘God’s will’ . Because what is God if we still have suffering in the world? And by the quote given above about people and animals dying because it was ‘God’s will’ surely doesn’t that make God more evil than the devil? Some may be thinking, yes okay, but i’ve heard the devil rapes women and tortures children. Not once does the Satanic bible issue that you should rape people- in fact it says the opposite, again, that is one of the misconceptions as the ‘devil’ or satanists themselves (who are true) would never do such thing.  ” Satanism condones any type of sexual activity which properly satisfies your individual desires- be it heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or even asexual, if you choose. Satanism also sanctions any fetish or deviation which will enhance your sex-life, so long as it involves no one who does not wish to be involved… satanism encourages any form of sexual expression you may desire, so long as it hurts no one else… the satanist would not intentionally hurt others by violating their sexual rights. If you attempt to impose your sexual desires upon others who do not welcome your advances, you are infringing upon their sexual freedom. Therefore, Satanism does not advocate rape, child molesting, sexual defilement of animals, or any other form sexual activity which entails the participation of those who are unwilling or whose innocence or naivete would allow them to be intimidated or misguided into doing something against their wishes”.

I hope that part one of education about satanism has interested you and educated you into what satanism is really about. From what I can see, it is more logical, real to everyday life and just acceptable- It also seems more kind and natural to human life. So yes, Satanism does not consist of demonic rapists or possessions that lead you to kill your entire family. It was actually going to be called ‘humanism’ by which that it is fair to human life and desires and can have a viewpoint from something that seems more realistic such as yourself.

Just to add one last note before you leave- Everyone has heard of the seven deadly sins right? Well, you know the sin sloth? Did you know that each time you hit the snooze button on your alarm that you are actually committing the sin of sloth.

Be Positive.

“Think about all the positives you can get out of a negative situation”

To think of the positives while you’re in a negative situation is kind of hard to do- I mean, how could you possibly have good thoughts and feelings when you’re in such a stump. But this was the advice I was given yesterday, and in all honesty- I thought about it. I thought about everything negative (immediate/large impact) that has ever happened to me- as the current situation is similar to past events- and I have conjured up all things positive that I can actually get out of it. I could imagine you have all been told to ‘look on the bright side’ and you usually pass it off ( I know I do) but have you ever actually consumed that phrase and actually tried to look on the bright side for real?

Last night a brewing argument corrupted the house, and all the thoughts and opinions we have had recently about the person ‘running the house’ let loose. Let’s just say, they know they are in the wrong which is why the fight broke out as it did. Now, I’m not going to go into detail about what it was over because i’m sure you’re not interested in that aspect- what I will say is that i’ve never really encountered a person so lazy, ignorant and neglectful in my life (stemming from my previous post about mother’s day). My partner told them straight how it is. Because of this however, we were kicked out onto the streets (in a somewhat dangerous area) at 2 A.M as we were primarily going for a walk to calm us down a little, on our return, the door was locked with the key in the hole to make sure we didn’t step foot in the house. Eventually, we found somewhere to stay for the night just after 3 A.M.

So what’s the point in me telling you this? well, this has all happened before at previous houses where I have lived, all with different issues arising, different topics related such as drugs or domestic violence and last night as we were walking around the streets I met up with a family member who gave me the advice to think of the positives I have gotten out of these situations that have happened during my lifetime- and you know what, they were right to say this. Obviously, after talking to them for a while we established similarities to that of my own biological mother and father between the person I am currently having problems with and this comparison allowed me to not only think back to previous events, but also learn from them and how to handle this one currently. Handling problems like this at a young age isn’t something you need to learn or ever experience and there’s one positive aspect from a negative situation that I have gained- dealing with people like that.

The main positives I have gathered from a life full of neglect, drugs, violence, alcohol, deceit and lies is that, I have learnt to be independent, to be able to cope on my own when I need to- a lot of people my age still do not know how to cook a meal, or wash their clothes and these same people are the ones who are ‘in desperate need’ to move out as soon as possible because they want a bit of freedom- how can you manage living on your own when you depend so much on your parents? I have gained a lot of life skills from such an early age, from people being too inadequate to even get a house or pay the rent or deal with legal issues- I have learnt to figure it all out. Letters after letters, advice after advice, I know the legal standpoints from different circumstances and how to get the best out of them. I know how to apply and get a house, where to go if there are some issues regarding legal standpoints- yes, I shouldn’t know how to handle ‘adult’ business, but I have had to, else we would have all been living on the streets.

I’ve looked after someone else’s child for almost 2 years now (with the help of his older brother/ my partner) in regards of making sure his uniform is cleaned, washed, ironed and ready for him everyday, making sure he has adequate emotional support and that he is coping well at school, making sure he has his lunch, his dinner and breakfast. These are all things you’d expect his parent to fund for or provide- but like I said, they are down-right lazy and neglectful in my eyes and I know many would agree. This gives me a good position to raise my own family, not only by learning how to cope with all the needs of children but as well as observing the failures of mothers in order to make sure I do not make that same mistake. Children are one of the most vulnerable groups in our society especially when reaching puberty- their emotions are up and down and they need someone who they can go to so that they can find the balance between their highs and lows, someone to confide in when they are worried about an issue regarding health and well-being. But most importantly, children are so easily influenced that it is your duty as a parent to make sure that their influences are positive to make a well-rounded adult in the future because they are the future. You wouldn’t want your child to be so negatively influenced to the point where they are unable to function appropriately in different situations including social situations and high stress periods such as exams because we are all aware that a bad environment can be seriously detrimental to a child growing up. The child in question is one of the only reasons why we have to stay living here- who knows what would happen if they were left on their own.

So yes, out of everything bad that has happened to me when I was growing up myself has actually helped me to be a better person. I have learned things that would enable me to cope living independently, to bring up a family of my own one day, to deal with financial problems and mostly, helped me to help others by having an element of good understanding of the world/culture and people around me and what I could do to support someone with similar problems.Yes, there are some regrets- we all have regrets, but sometimes, it’s those regretful moments that have made you who you are and there is nothing wrong with that, keep being that person and maybe you’ll find the positives out of the negatives too!

British ignorance abroad

This is going to be slightly different from my other posts- but it is just one of my pet hates and genuinely shocks and disgusts me. I think it’s safe to say that in some respects- I’m not proud to be British.

I have recently been away on holiday (vacation for those American folks) for a short duration- but definitely filled will meeting a lot of ‘foreigners’ and having to talk basic language to them such as ‘please’, ‘thank-you’, ‘goodbye’ etc. To me, it’s the most important task to do- is to learn a little bit of the native language, it is just common courtesy and a polite thing to do- afterall, you are in their country, show a little respect.

I had never been to this country before- which is rather different for me, and I have to say; a huge culture shock- I usually go to countries where I can speak their language and I usually avoid tourist locations. It was rather different not understanding the majority of what they said, but I continued to learn the basics of the language while I was there, and before I went. It came to a surprise to me when I learnt that, not everyone thinks this way- these are the same people who dislike immigrants/tourists back in Britain; ironic and ignorant- and it surprised me that a lot of British tourists don’t even learn their pleases, thanks-you’s and even hello’s.

I could be at a resaurant, trying my best to pronounce everything correctly, and there are Brits everywhere commenting on the culture negatively (while ordering burgers-not very cultural of them) and replying to the waiters/waitress’, “tar”, “fanks” etc. They are not only refusing to learn the basics, but they are saying these ‘sloppy’ English words quite rudely.

To make this post clear, you only have to think of Benidorm. Now I know not all British people in Benidorm behave in th same way, however it is pretty disgraceful by the majority- spanish people absolutely hate you. Spain is a beautiful country, mainland or not, they are polite, friendly, and really do appreciate it when you try for them. It is a clean and well kept country and their values are the polar opposites of ours- such as the fact that the men cook in the family. But Benidorm has been neglected- because us Brits have ruined everything about Benidorm- we treat it like England in the sun, and we really are a huge insult to those who reside in Spain, we are an embarrassment! We are rude to each other and the locals, people live there or have caravans there that have never learnt an ounce of spanish in their life, people have no respect for the country, culture or values- and most of all, we just get drunk and act like idiots- I say we, to make this a ‘community’ thing but, I can honestly say, when I took a day trip to Benidorm, my heart sank. I’ve always loved Spain and the people there, not once did I have to speak English, but in Benidorm, the only people I met where topless, rude, arrogant and ignorant English speakers…

…it really did make me hugely upset. There are just ignorant for not going away to a culture-rich country and exploring what’s there, but instead, living life as they do in Britain just with a pool and the sun. As I said earlier, these same people, are the ones who can be considered as racist as they do not appreciate tourists or immigrants back at home- especially the ones who don’t speak English, or even the ones who can but have a little trouble pronouncing things right. I just can’t believe it- hipocrasy!

At the end of the day, if you’re thinking about going abroad- at least try! We are one I the most stubborn countries for learning another language because we expect everyone to know English- shocking truth? There are PLENTY of people out there who don’t. So get your lazy arse in to gear and try.